I cannot tell you how many people I know personally and as a professional, who do not have healthy boundaries. Many have a decent idea of what a boundary is but cannot explain why it is they need them, how it protects their identity/values, and how to follow through with consequences of setting a boundary.
Generally most can tell you that a boundary is a form of limitations and describes where one person "begins and ends," and another person "begins and ends." Most will mention setting a boundary with someone only to state that the either violates it or continues to do so. In this case some will tell me that "I am just too nice a person to say 'no.'" Another comment would be that "I can't believe that I let so and so get away with this again!"
Identity and Values
How do identity and values play a role in boundaries, you ask? There are various ways that we establish our identity and assimilate values into our lives. Some of the very common ones are: family, religion, friend groups, work places, media we take in, and education. In my professional experience, most people having challenges with boundaries have a low self-esteem and/or low self-worth. Many assimilate values from family which, in turn, develop their identity. If there is a negative or abusive family environment, then our values are based on negative ways of thinking, feeling, and perceiving the world around us.
Communication and Setting Reasonable Boundaries
Learning to communciate effectively and establish healthy boundaries is paramount to your success in being true to yourself (your assimilated values, personality, and identity.) It is empowering to learn that we do not always have to say "yes" to others to gain approval of others. Saying "no" as has been said, "is a complete sentence." How you say yes and now should reflect or emulate who you espouse to be. If I say I am a kind, considerate, loving and caring person; then how I express my needs and boundaries will reflect that behavior. If we say one thing then do another and are maybe not so kind, considerate, loving and caring, then who are we really?
Coming Soon!
In this blog series, we will discuss more about what boundaries are. Types of boundaries, How they connect to our identity/values. How to communicate effectively with others about needs, inappropriate behaviors, and setting healthy and reasonable boundaries with others.
If you have any ideas for topics you would like to see, please comment and let us know. We look forward to hearing from you!
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